24 Day 5 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM

Oh, how gauche. Can you believe the graphic violence warning is wearing that mauve strapless gown with that lime green handbag? (And was this warning really necessary this week? What was violent, let alone graphic?)

The recaps return us to the pleasant company of the Bickersons. Martha blusters this day has been one giant lie and Logan makes her SICK! Henderson driving around, because we can never get enough of that. Jack and his Elven Hood of Baggage Handling (+2 to Disguise rolls) getting into the plane.

As this episode teeters on the edge of night, Chloe is busy packing up, not quite understanding what's going on.

Miles will set up for a remote debrief, but Karen wants the interrogation to be in the Situation Room. Miles almost looks crestfallen.

Karen chats with Bill. She wants Chloe to call her on a "dry channel", 15427. She wants Chloe to call her on an arroyo? A wadi? A wash?

As she's going out the door, Chloe asks "What about the curfew?" What is she worried about? The curfew/roadblocks combo hasn't stopped a flippin' thing so far.

Bill will stay behind and run interference. At this point, we must stop and ask, what in the bloody blue blazes happened to Wayne? He was at Bill's house. Where'd he go? Is he down in Bill's den playing Madden 2005? Surely the writers wouldn't just forget about a main character, would they?

(Speaking of lost characters, Audrey is not in this episode. Nor is Curtis, who has suddenly been turned into an ambulance service, ferrying the wounded back to CTU. And no one seems concerned that the SecDef went over a cliff. And of course, the bank manager is still dead in the cop car, and his poor wife is still tied up in her bedroom. Forgotten and abandoned by this show. And shockingly, no Henderson in this episode. Even though Bierko is now conscious, he's apparently not important to interrogate this hour.)

The "tac team" arrives at Bill's house. They're in suits and ties, and they just walk up to the front door and knock. What kind of tac team is this? All other tac teams have been in full combat gear and set up perimeters and bust down doors and shoot things.

Bill answers the door in a T-shirt, to fake like he's been sound asleep, even though every light in the house is on at 2 in the morning. Bill asks if they have a warrant, but the team barges right in. (Yeah, isn't Bill right? Don't they need some kind of warrant to bust in like that?) They search for all of about 10 seconds before declaring Chloe is gone. One of them looks at the shelves, as if Chloe would be hiding in a cutout pocket in a Nancy Drew mystery. This is obviously the tac team junior varsity. They even fail to notice the guy playing video games in Bill's den.

Bill will only talk to Karen, so Agent Ed will bring him in.

Miles is almost crying he wants a remote interrogation so bad. These voyeuristic leanings hint at something far darker in Miles' soul.

Chloe is hiding somewhere, a parking garage?, as the one and only cop car in LA on curfew patrol drives by. Ah, Chloe is at the hotel where she was supposed to go hang out. She sits down in the bar and pulls out her laptop, which still has the network cable plugged in.

Chloe informs Karen of her new locale, and asks Karen to look up info the diplomatic flight. Karen says it is Flight 520 to Frankfurt.

And then, stock footage of said flight, which is already in the air. Wow, that was fast. Must have vertical takeoff capability.

Back at the hotel bar, Drunky the Guy is hitting on some dame, who says "I don't think so" and walks away. Drunky says "you don't have to go all feminist on me."

Chloe is talking to Jack, whose cell phone works way up there in the middle of Airplane Land. Chloe has found the air marshal, he's sitting in 7A, and his name is George Avila. Chloe will work on figuring out who might have a connection to Henderson.

Jack opens the hatch from the baggage hold, slips up into the cabin, and plunks down in the middle seat right next to Avila. Avila must be thinking "Idiot, the aisle seat is open." And Jack turns into every passenger's worst nightmare, the chatty neighbor. But, Jack is something far worse. He clobbers Avila, apparently with no one noticing, and knocks him out cold. I'm sure Avila would rather have had Jack just knock his seat tray, or pull the back of his seat to get up to go to the bathroom and release it like a slingshot. Jack takes Avila's badge and gun.

They'll study this one at the Air Marshal Academy. Lesson One: Don't tell complete strangers the seat next to you is open.

Going into the first commercial break, the clocks are at :10 to :10. But coming back, the clocks are at :15 to :13. Suddenly, Chloe is a captain's woman, Audrey is sporting a goatee, and Jack is eliminating bad guys with his Tantalus device.

Chloe rings up Jack again (who must be over Alberta by now, and still has good cell coverage) She's found a connection to Henderson. Hans Meyer is in 12D. Chloe's screen says he was a German trade rep, and has a US defense contractors license, whatever that is.

Jack goes back to Hans, pretends to be Avila, and asks Hans to come back with to identify something or other. Casting choices are always interesting. When we needed a good guy German, we got gorgeous Hunky Guy. But when we need a German who we're supposed to think is evil at first, we get this scrawny Teutonic guy who looks like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark whose head melted when the Ark was opened.

Jack takes Hans to the rear galley, and then decks him with a crushing blow to the solar plexus. Hans goes down like a sack of strudel. Jack looks down the aisle and sees the stewardess approaching with a cart. (Every overnight overseas flight I've been on, the lights are out at 2am, and there aren't any carts going around.)

This is all more than a little eerie, considering the movie United 93 is out now, with all the memories that brings back.

So, Jack throws Hans down in the baggage hold and hops down after him, closing the hatch just before the stewardess gets back there.

At the presidential retreat, Martha is in an especially bttt-bttbbtt-bbtttbtt state. She really needs some meds. She talks to Agent Justin Adams, who seems unmoved by the First Lady's plight. Martha says "You don't have much of a personality."

So, Martha calls Mike. Why does Martha have a phone? They made sure there weren't working phones in the room they first locked her in. Why give her access to a phone now? Aren't they worried she might call the press? She is a bit unstable after all.

Mike says the doctor thinks Martha has had enough drugs for now. Martha says she can't say what needs to be said. She just wants a couple of pills to sleep. Too bad Jack isn't around to just knock her out.

Graham is talking to Logan now. He asks if they've found Bauer. Logan must report no, Bauer is still at large. I've never understood what at large means. Maybe way back some wife went looking for her husband in a bar, some drunk guy said "he's at the lodge" but his voice was slurred and it came out sounding "he's at large", and since then it's become a general expression for somewhere else.

After this conversation is over, Mike comes in. Logan, obviously not wanting to deal with him, snaps "What is it, Mike?" Mike tells him Martha needs a hit. Logan says "That's all I need right now is to deal with her. No! No! No more pills."

Mike asks if something is going on. Logan says "This isn't national security. It's our marriage. It's a facade." For once, Logan's lies are somewhat grounded in truth. Logan finally caves in to Mike's persistent badgering and says Martha can go running for the shelter of her mother's little helper.

In the baggage hold, Jack is putting on his tough guy act and asks Hans where it is. Hans says he doesn't know what Jack is talking about. Jack begins to wonder if Hans really is the mule, and has Hans start looking for his luggage.

At the bar, Drunky the Guy comes over to Chloe. "What are you doing? Homework?" Heh. Then he says "I didn't know they had Wi-Fi in here." Not sure what that was supposed to mean. If the hotel really didn't have Wi-Fi, and Chloe was using super duper CTU technology to get on the net.

Chloe calls somebody and claims to have super CTU clearance 99A-12. On the plane, there is turbulence, so everyone is to remain seated, until tossed around the cabin like rag dolls. The stewardess figures out 12D is missing (Hans, not the actual seat) and then Avila keels over, sending the diploweenies around 7A into a panic.

The stewardess tells the pilot their marshal is down (Gary Cooper he ain't), and the pilot says "Call LA Center, get vectors for an emergency return." That tears it, next season I'm doing a count of vector references.

LA Center says "You have clearance, Clarence." The pilot says "Roger, Roger."

Clocks are at :30 to :27.

Mike the pusher shows up at Martha's door and gives her some pills. He tries to engage her in friendly conversation, but Martha abruptly says "Thank you, Mike" and *gulp*. The pills disappear down her gullet along with some wine. I think. I'm guessing that's not a good combination. Mike says "You're both covering something up", and Martha says "I'm supposed to be the one who's paranoid."

Now, Chloe calls up Jack again, who must be over Hudson Bay by now, and still has fabulous cell coverage. Chloe says she might have screwed up, and doesn't think Hans is their guy. Jack manages to avoid reaching through the phone and throttling Chloe for messing up something so important. Chloe said Hans was in customs for three hours. That's a long time, especially for a charter flight, and a diplomatic one at that. Was he trying to smuggle back some meat and fruit? Perhaps his feet were caked with manure from a mad cow?

At this moment, the plane starts to turn, and Jack realizes they know he's on board. Avila has come around by this point, and he is sure Jack is down in the baggage hold. (Which, I might add, is thankfully pressurized.) Avila wants the captain to "begin" something.

In the hold, there is a "loud hissing", as the krazy kaptions say. Hans thinks air is coming in, but Jack says they are letting the air out. Have you ever tried driving a plane with a flat baggage hold? It just goes *flump* *flump* *flump*, and really pulls to the left.

Jack calls Chloe and says he needs her to patch him through to the pilot. Chloe quick calls Karen, who instantaneously arranges it on a CTU sub-channel. Somebody says "44", but the krazy kaptions say "404". Jack is patched through and explains the situation to the pilot. He points out he would not have been able to get ahold of the pilot with CTU's help if he wasn't a real agent. (Note that again Jack is claiming to be a federal agent. He is an agent when it comes in handy, and he isn't when Jack wants to torture someone or break the law. Pretty convenient.)

At the bar, Drunky is still bothering Chloe. He says "I can get you some free bandwidth." Chloe says "Great, sit down!" Drunky says "cool!" and asks what her laptop is. Chloe immediately tasers him. Woohoo! Drunky is out cold. Or probably somewhat warm, actually, considering the 1.21 gigawatts that just coursed through his body. Chloe says she's using a CTU series 4 laptop.

Up in the plane, the co-pilot says they should just knock Jack out. The pilot tells Jack he won't let him out. So, Jack cuts into the ceiling, loops his belt around some cables and pulls. The plane careens all over the sky. Do jets still fly by wire these days? I would think newer ones are computer controlled now.

That gets the pilot's attention, and has the stewardess let Jack out. I'm not clear on why she had to open the hatch for Jack, but before Jack opened the hatch without any help. Jack pops up already pointing the gun. He puts Avila down in the hold.

Jack talks to the captain and wants more time to search the passengers. The captain says no, his job is to land the plane.

Clocks are at :43 to :40.

Now Logan is asking about Flight 520. Someone has told him Jack has hi-jacked (or is it hi-bauered?) the plane. Logan calls Graham and they commiserate.

Bill is doing the perp walk into CTU. Looks like Agent Ed let him put a shirt back on. Miles stops him. Bill says a rather tired cliché, "You have no idea what you're dealing with" but adds a twist on the end, and says "you little #$!-kisser."

Karen will handle Bill, and Miles just can't take it anymore. He has an operator connect him to Mike, using his special code of 2166. When Mike answers, Miles proceeds to whine and moan and throw a hissyfit. Mike tells Miles to go suck eggs.

Miles tries to look in on the interrogation, but Karen puts them off line. Poor Miles.

Logan calls up and asks Karen about Flight 520. He says "We need to take him dead or alive." Obviously, Chuckles would prefer the former option. Logan asks "Is that clear?" And Karen says "Yes, Mr. President." And then she just hangs up. Uh, shouldn't she wait and see if Logan had anything else to discuss?

Clocks are at :54 to :50.

Drunky wakes up, and Chloe promptly tasers him again. Despite the obvious attempt at humor, it's darn funny.

Chloe has finally figured out who the real mule on the plane is. Scott Evans, the co-pilot who was a last minute replacement. Gee, Chloe, nice job missing that 30 minutes ago. Chloe's screen says he is employed by Omicron's exclusive charter.

Ya know, of all the things Henderson has had to make up on the fly today, this was probably something planned awhile ago. (Meaning more than ten minutes ago.) Henderson knew he wanted to get the tape from Evelyn, and wanted to preserve it for his safety. So, he probably arranged awhile ago to have Evans take it. However, Henderson could not have planned to be captured a dozen times, and he's lucky he was able to escape and meet Evans just before the flight left. While we're at it though, why did Henderson go through all this trouble to preserve the tape? Couldn't he have given it to someone to drive to Utah with? Couldn't he have got a safety deposit box? But it under a tree in the park?

And what happened to the real co-pilot? He must have already been at the airport. So how did Evans get rid of him without anyone noticing?

Chloe calls Jack, who must be over Iceland by now, and still with great cell coverage! Chloe tells him it must be the copilot, so Jack calls up the pilot on a discrete channel. (Must be the one the pilot can use to whisper sweet nothings to the stewardess.) The pilot does a good job of pretending to be having an entirely different conversation. He realizes God is not his Co-pilot.

The pilot says nervously "I picked a bad day to stop smoking crack."

The pilot then uses the old triangulation device in the french bread trick. No, I mean, he uses the old cramp in the leg trick. The copilot is getting suspicious. The pilot makes a sudden move to open the door, and succeeds, but Evans clonks him and puts him down. Nobody was killed this week, but there sure are a lot of people rendered unconscious.

Jack gets into the cockpit. Evans protests "I'm the only one who can fly this plane". Jack is apparently unimpressed, or doesn't realize the logical implications, because he immediately decks Evans.

Jack says "You don't strike me as the type who would die for Christopher Henderson." What? Then he'd be the only one. Henderson has rounded up multiple teams in the last few hours, and just about every one of them is now dead.

Jack calls Chloe and says she should advise CTU he has the recording. Does he really want Chloe to do that? CTU is now in the hands of Homeland Security, put there by the evil President.

Now, even though we see a montage with no sound, the krazy kaptions have something that makes no sense in this context. It says "NEWSCASTER: At this hour there are still unanswered questions surrounding David Palmer's death. During the emergency press conference the president announced the terrorist threat was over." What is that all about?

At the presidential retreat, Martha is really on a hippie trail, head full of zombie, and her speech is slurred. She's a strange lady, and she makes me nervous. If she keeps mixing the wine and pills, she's really going to chunder.

She calls Logan. Logan says "For the past 3 years you have been one click away from a nervous breakdown, and I'm going to come to you for advice?!" Whoa, Charles! Bringing the sarcasm!

Graham calls yet again. He already knows Jack has the tape. And how does he know this? He monitored a call between Chloe and Karen. What happened to the dry channel? Graham must have wet it somehow.

Graham tells Logan he'll have to shoot down the plane. Eek.

The episode ends with the clocks at :60 to :56.

And now, once again, here is guest critic Paul Foth. He was trapped in the baggage hold of a plane after he crawled down there to give his pet poodle Fifi a chew toy. It was bitterly cold, though, so he sliced open the belly of a Taun Taun and crawled in to keep warm, and was able to finish this review.

***
Klink: Report!

Schultz: H-herr kommandant, I b-beg to report that, that--

Klink: What is it, Schultz? Speak up!

Schultz: Herr kommnadant, I beg to report that several of the characters are missing.

Klink: Whaaaaatt!?

Schultz is right. During last night's roll call, quite a few of the folks we've grown to love and berate seem to have been forgotten. Even though she's just a bit player, Crazy Shari II was a no show. Curtis, who's usually flitting about Los Angeles with his tac team and can be anywhere within minutes, apparently hasn't arrived at Gestapo Headquarters with Henderson yet, something that should've raised at least one red flag. (Then again, since pretty much no one working there now was working there five hours ago, most people don't even know who Curtis is. Those who do may be thinking he got let go when Homeland Insecurity took over.) And Audrey's in that little convoy as well, in fairly desperate need of medical attention. (Of course, since she'll be heading to CTU Medical as soon as she arrives, maybe it's a good thing she's not there yet. She'll live longer.) Bierko, who we were told two episodes ago was regaining consciousness in the cooler, didn't even warrant a mention, despite the fact that he may very well have known who Henderson's stooge on the plane was. And where's Wayne? I just hope Bilbo provided him with food and water, because it may be a while before he's let out of the bunker.

One more word on Audrey. It may be a spoiler, so skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know. Kim Raver has apparently signed on to another show. Bully for her--she's a fine actor--but now Audrey's going to have to leave 24 somehow. Will she die at the end of this season (Teri)? The beginning of the next one (David Palmer)? Will she have a twenty-second phone conversation with Jack at the beginning of next season, just long enough for him to say he'll be by to pick up his stuff later (Kate Warner)? Or are they going to come up with some new form of departure?

Back to the episode. Were there two hatches on the plane? The top of the first one had textured flooring on it and a small latch. The top of the second one seemed to be covered by a piece of carpet and had a big red and green locking mechanism that would do Fort Knox proud. With all of the running around knees bent behavior, I couldn't tell if there was supposed to have been two hatches at opposite ends of the plane or there was some kind of continuity error. (I know, I know, it's hard to believe a continuity error could slip by on this show, but it does happen. I've also got some bad news about Santa Claus: he used to run guns for the IRA.)

Did you catch the celebrity lookalikes? The air marshal who got a taste of Jack's elbow fu looked like David Blaine. Next Monday, Blaine will be sleeping with the fishes on ABC, but first he has to escape from a baggage compartment on FOX. Unless, of course, he becomes one of the forgotten characters, in which case there's no telling where we'll see him next. This is starting to sound like quantum mechanics--he doesn't exist unless someone's looking at him--so I'll move on.

I halfway expected the pilot to turn to the copilot and say, "Have you ever been inside a Turkish prison?" And so it all comes full circle: The pilot looked a like Peter Graves. I made the comment a few rants back that this show can be seen as an early-21st century terrorist analog of the commie hysteria science fiction films of the 50s. Roger Corman made many of those films. And who starred in Corman's 1956 It Conquered The World? Peter Graves.

It's nice to see Mike Novick again, but it's been so long that it seemed like the writers weren't quite sure what to do with him. I guess it's a sign of his standing in the Logan administration that he's been reduced to being Martha's supplier. (And those antipsychotics work especially well when they're washed down with wine.)

One kinda neat thing the writers did happened during one of Mike's talks with Logan, when Logan was going on about how everything Jack had done that day only seemed right, but that now the real Jack was coming out, that he'd really been lying all day long. All Logan was doing was talking about himself, but changing his name to Jack Bauer. That's a neat trick for a dirty politician: just talk about yourself, but do so as if it's about your worst enemy. That way, you don't have to worry about making stuff up and keeping it all straight.

Wonder of wonders, it seems no one got killed in that hour! We may need to lube the death-o-meter in order to keep up with all the carnage that'll have to happen to make up for it.

Last night's hero was Chloe. The way she handled that toner salesman from Wichita was a thing of beauty. It's nice to see the writers are realizing she doesn't have to handle every schlub with deadly sarcasm. A vapid "Wow, free bandwith?" and a taser work just as well. It makes me wonder if she'll zap Miles when she gets back to Gestapo HQ.

From the previews for next week, it seems like Jack is convinced that if the plane lands, the fighter jets won't be able to shoot at it. Maybe he's planning to release neunundneunzig luftballoons to confuse them.
***

Number of times Jack says "Now!": 24
Number of times Jack says "No!": 8
Number of times a "protocol" is mentioned: 38
Number of times someone says a variation of "Go!": 29
Number of moles: 4
Approximate Body Count: 94 (plus three rats, plus one human nerve gas guinea pig, plus 11 in the mall food court (and no, not from food poisoning), plus one security camera, plus 56 in CTU)

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